It was with great excitement that this week I was going to reveal the awesome results of the room swap with the children.  However, due to circumstances out of our control, a mere 2 weeks after the first move, another switch had to happen.  We worked late into the night on Saturday, moving the children down to my old studio and my things up the stairs.

Truth be told, I have found the whole situation rather upsetting, and, without going into details, it was not a change we were wanting to make.

However, a few days in and I can’t help but admit that the new studio space is lovely.  Its at the front, south-facing side of the house, and even with just one window, it lets in a lot of light, particularly in the afternoons. It has also meant a declutter and re-organise of both my yarn and fabric stashes.  Ellis, having learned about the phrase “Silver Linings” recently, reminds me that everything has a one.

I can’t remember if I have ever talked about my beloved yarn storage system?  Well, I LOVE it.  It is 2 sets of these wire baskets from ikea bolted together (though if I were to buy it again, I would get these , but my shelf is quite old).  I have the wool arranged by weight and what makes them so fabulous is that I can see instantly what is in each section.  They also aren’t so deep that I have to dig for things, causing lots of tangles.  It can look a bit messy, but they could easily be stored under a table or in a cupboard. 

Plus, I like to see the yarn for my next project peeking out, tempting me to come and play.

All in, I have to admit that while the circumstances aren’t that great, the space is lovely.

Resolutions are sort of my thing.  A combination of my striving for self-improvement and my near obsession with lists, I make rafts of resolutions every year. I have always liked the idea of choosing words for a year (2012 was 1000 – I wanted 1000 page views a day on the blog, 1000 facebook likes and 1000 etsy sales. I achieved 1 out of 3). My words for 2013 were going to be “Joyful Abundance”. I wanted to focus on creating a life were I had a plenty – patience, time, energy, money. I had thought deeply about what I wanted to manifest in 2013 and lists and plans were made…

And then I found this quote:

“It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat.”

–Theodore Roosevelt

And I am pretty sure that I stopped breathing for about a minute.

In reality, I have spent much of my life afraid.  I stood on the outside of who I wanted to be and looked on, paralysed by fear and uncertainty. I am driven by perfection.  I often find myself operating from a place of  ”If I only could X, then I would be truly happy”. If I can not meet the view I have in my mind’s eye, then it is not good enough and I have failed.  I am a black and white sort of person, you know.

Reading that quote, I realised that again I have spent much of the last year afraid. I lay in bed the night before a pattern release convincing myself it is the worst thing I have ever designed.  On the first morning of the photoshoot for the book, I was shaking, literally trembling with nerves as I clicked away, stylist and editor looking on. I constantly compare myself to “real designers” and come up short. The difference now is that instead of running from the fear, I am slowly learning to jump into it. The reality is that things are rarely perfect and the past few months have taught me deep lessons about doing everything I can and then accepting that it will be enough…

…or it won’t be.  And that is OK too.  For better or worse, I am in the arena.  Motivated at first by the need to feed my family and then by it being so much who I am and what I am supposed to be doing. And if I fail, I’d rather go down in a blaze of fiery failure than just peter out. Without a doubt, there is a lot of swearing, wine drinking and tears before I jump into whatever is next, but the point is that I jump.

So may 2013 be the year of Daring Greatly.

—

Quote was found via this awesome interview with Berne Brown. I loved her Ted talks, but I think this interview is better.  Also, I really liked the Lisa Congdon interview of the same series.

Photos taken in the car park of a local nature reserve.  We drove 20 miles, walked 10 meteres from the car, they sat down and cried until I gave them hot cocoa, we got back in the car and I cried in frustration.  What was I saying about failing spectacularly?

One day, late in 2012, I looked up from my computer, crawled out from a pile of yarn, put my camera down and opened my eyes. I saw a house that was messier than I have ever lived in, a husband who I hadn’t spoken more than 4 words to in weeks months and 3 little unruly children who woudn’t eat anything except pesto pasta and were exhausted, mean and bored.

Kevin and I have spent the last few weeks reeling us all back in – working hard to cook and clean and spend time as a family.  Its my main resolution this year – to spend more time with them being present, not worrying about impending deadlines or emails or swatches.

I didn’t realise what an effect our work life was having on everyone.  It was only when I would go days without picking up the camera that I knew I wasn’t in the best place (well, that and the fact that Georgia could sing all of the theme songs to all of the programmes on CBeebies), but I kept thinking I could just push through.

And so, we have spent the first few days of 2013 as we hope to continue. Together, cooking and laughing and walking and playing. Today we climbed a massive hill, led by Ellis. Tomorrow, we are sorting out the garden and storage room while the children are out – boring, but good in a new year sort of way.

Start as we mean to continue…now if only the weather could do the same.

Up at 5:15am. I know this, as Ellis practices his new found clock reading skills for my fuzzy brain. The light has to go on of course, so he can read the clock and I mutter under my breath about reading being overrated in children.

With Ellis up, all 3 children and Kevin are awake. (Note to self: must practice inside voices). 

Kevin shepards them downstairs for breakfast (porridge) while I stay in bed and read emails and formulate A PLAN for the day. I secretively read one chapter of my book, wanting to spend my day lost in that world, but the real world finds me in the form of a 19 month old who calls me "DeeDee".

The smallest one and I head downstairs for coffee and left over cheeze-free pizza (me) and porridge (him). I wander ino the office for a morning of work.

First up, pattern emails. I am grateful in my foggy early morning state that there weren't many sales on Etsy in the night.  Each pattern has to be emailed out individually and it's easy to miss one if I am not careful. Then, on to answering emails and tweets from Kat.  It is a very big and exciting day for Capturing Childhood, with our courses and gift certificates going live. A bit of spit and polish is required for the lovely and newly designed site and a few images I had forgotten to send. 

In between all of this, I pick up my new knitwear design.  Realising that I have misjudged the ease of the item, I have added in 2 pattern repeats too many.  Its ripped back and cast on again, then I decide I want to change the stitch pattern ever so slightly and a new swatch is made.  Its better.  Math is re-done and I am ready to cast on.

In the background, I can hear the rabble reaching a fever pitch.  Tonight is the wedding of beloved friends and all 3 are bouncing with excitement.  Kevin does his best to keep the calm and get them dressed, but it is hard to fight the wave of energy that is emminating from the little people.

At 8:30, Kevin and the babies head out to work and nursery, after Kev and I decide our plan of attack for getting everyone dressed and ready this evening. I finish rounding up the big boy to go to school.  As we walk out the door and down the street, he tells everyone about the wedding and his desperate need for a haircut. 

The trip to and from school takes about 25 minutes and as I walk back in the door, Kat phones to talk through the finer details of today.  Work is divided up and I quickly write up my to do list. 

Then, its off to answer emails.  I have a list as long as my arm of people to get back to, all the while watching the weather anxiously.  I am the photographer for today's wedding and rain is not welcome. 

Once emails are done, its back to designing.  I am designing a small collection of kits for Not On The High Street. The designs focus on big and gorgeous yarns for a series of home and personal accessories.  I am currently working with Rowan Cocoon – one of my newly discovered loves. I have been trying to design a cowl for a solid week, but it is simply not flowing. I know it will come to me, but I get frustrated all the same. 

Throughout the morning, a steady stream of parcels arrive.  A few Christmas presents, but mostly supply deliveries and other designers' products for my other job as a photographer.  Days like today are wonderful for their diversity, but frustrating as well. It highlights just how pulled I am in so many different directions, but this is the reality of a small business owner…a necessary evil to keep afloat. 

10:30am and with only an hour to do before I need to start getting ready for the shoot, I take a few photos with the amazing rented Canon 5d mkiii and do a quick edit. Upload, spell check, then press publish…

A few years ago, I remember reading an American mom-blog, where the writer talked about her daily and weekly goals.  I am 100% certain I rolled my eyes and thought something like "Oh spare me. I would never do something like that*."

Well, a few years on and I find myself doing the same thing.  Amidsts the craziest of shouty, chaotic, busy mornings, without fail, I sneak away to spend 15 minutes making my lists for the day.  

My morning lists are in 2 parts.  First, I fill in my Daily Greatness Journal. Sent by Inspiration Overlord (aka my mother), what I like about it is its overall focus on goals. every day and every week, it is about looking back to what goals you are working towards.  With 2 businesses on the go, I have to remain very focused with my time and actions to ensure I am doing what needs to be done. There is a morning and an evening check in.  It takes no time at all, but I really like how it keeps me on track. Cheesy? Yes.  Does it work? Yes.

Second task is making a practical list for what I need to achieve for the day, in my handy moleskin. This is my catchall notebook with meeting notes, design sketches and other stuff that travels with me wherever I go. On days with children, I limit it to 3 things I am going to do (and housework is never one of them, a clear sign of my priorities, except for today when my Mother is set to arrive tomorrow).  on Fridays and weekends, I expand to a few more, usually no more than 6. They are always 1 thing for each business and then something else to improve our lives.  With book work largely done, I can put exciting things like "Make Ellis bird wings" and "knit" on the list.

What all of this does is focus my mind on what I need to do in those few spare moments I may have in the day.  And for me, that is the key to getting anything done.  I don't really get the luxury of long working stretches, so I have to make every single moment count**. 

*I also thought the same thing about having babies 1 year apart, and look how that ended.  I wonder when I will learn what payback is…

**I hope this post doesn't make anyone else roll their eyes.  If it does, just be warned about the above point.